Introduction: Neither "Not Asserting" Nor "Controlling the Other"
There is a common confusion in human relationships.
It is the question:
Is it controlling the other person to tell them what you don't like about them?
Certainly, trying to change someone else to fit your desires is crossing a boundary.
The other person also has freedom.
The other person also has values.
The other person also has the right to say no.
But that doesn't mean it's correct to think:
It's pointless to say anything
I should just endure it
I don't have the right to say anything
If something is unpleasant, I have no choice but to stay silent
The key is not controlling the other person, but communicating your own boundaries.
In other words,
You express your opinion.
But you don't try to control the other person.
And you keep your distance from someone who continues to cross your boundaries even after you've expressed them.
This is what I think is essential.
In this article, I will organize this as the Assertive Two-Step Model.
What is Assertiveness?
Assertiveness is a form of communication where you clearly express your feelings, needs, and opinions while maintaining respect for the other person.
In psychological explanations, assertiveness is described as "an adaptive communication style that directly expresses one's feelings and needs while maintaining respect for others."
In general health information, assertive communication is explained as a method of clearly and directly expressing one's opinions, neither aggressive nor passive.
The important point here is that assertiveness is not about "speaking strongly."
Assertiveness is:
- Not keeping silent and enduring
- Not blaming the other person
- Not trying to control or change the other person
- Not suppressing your own needs
It is about clearly expressing your position.
For example,
I felt this way.
This is a burden for me.
It would be helpful if you could do it this way next time.
If that's difficult, I would like to keep this distance.
This is how you communicate.
This is not a command to the other person.
It is a condition for continuing the relationship.
The Difference Between Control and Boundaries
This is a point that is often confused.
What is Control
Control is trying to change the other person to fit your desires.
For example:
You absolutely have to do this.
I don't like it, so stop everything.
If you don't do what I say, you're strange.
Your values are wrong.
In order to eliminate my discomfort, you have to change everything.
This is heading towards taking away the other person's freedom.
What is a Boundary
A boundary is communicating what you are willing to accept.
For example:
I feel uncomfortable when you speak to me that way.
I can't continue the conversation if you shout at me.
I find it difficult when you make plans without asking me.
If this continues, I will create some distance.
I can't continue the relationship in this way.
This is not controlling the other person.
It is showing the line that protects your life, mental and physical health, time, and dignity.
The other person has the freedom to not accept your request.
At the same time, you also have the freedom to not continue the relationship under these conditions.
This is the important point.
Assertive Two-Step Model
There are two steps in a conversation.
Step 1: Be Assertive
First, communicate what you feel, what you are struggling with, and what you need.
There is no need to suddenly create distance here.
Sometimes the other person is not aware without bad intentions.
For example:
I feel uncomfortable when I'm interrupted while working.
It's not that I don't want to talk.
Sometimes I can't hear you when I'm doing dishes or working, so I'd prefer to talk later or come close to talk.
Or:
I don't like it when plans are made without my input.
I want to decide for myself whether I can participate.
Please check with me in advance next time.
Or:
I can't have a conversation when you shout at me.
I want to talk when we're both calm.
If the shouting continues, I will stop the conversation for a while.
This is step 1.
Here, you don't yet decide that the other person is "someone who doesn't understand."
First, show your boundary.
Step 2: Observe the Other Person's Response
The key is here.
The essence of a discussion is not just about us explaining well.
It's also about seeing how the other person handles the boundaries.
When you set a boundary, if the other person responds like this, there is a possibility that the discussion can be established.
Oh, I see.
I hadn't noticed.
I'll be careful from now on.
It's impossible to do everything, but I can change this.
Let's do it this way.
That's how I felt.
This is a negotiation.
On the other hand, if the other person responds like this, it's dangerous.
That's just your interpretation.
Don't get angry over such things.
Normally, people don't care about such things.
I'm not wrong.
You're the one who needs to change.
You should just endure it.
It's your fault for saying that.
Twist the conversation and retaliate.
Attack the fact that you set a boundary.
This is not a discussion.
This is a Boundary Violation Test.
If you add more explanations here, you will get exhausted.
Conditions for a Successful Discussion
There are minimum conditions for a discussion to be successful.
1. Both Parties Have the Freedom to Make Requests
It's not bad to tell the other person "I want you to do this."
Human relationships are not just independent individuals living side by side.
In relationships such as lovers, spouses, family, friends, and at work, our actions affect each other.
Therefore, it's okay to make requests.
For example,
I'd like you to contact me a bit earlier.
I'd like you to talk without shouting.
I'd like you not to make plans on your own.
I'd like you to wait until I'm done with my work.
I'd like you not to reject physical affection in a careless way.
This is not control.
This is a proposal to continue the relationship.
2. The Other Person Also Has the Freedom to Refuse
However, the other person also has the freedom to refuse.
For example, even if you say "I want you to contact me every day," the other person might say "That's difficult for me."
Even if you say "I want more physical affection," the other person might say "I can't increase the frequency that much."
At that time, if you blame the other person and force them to comply, it approaches control.
However, you also have the freedom to choose.
If that's the case, it's not suitable for me.
If that's the case, it's difficult to maintain a romantic relationship.
If that's the way of working, it's hard to be on the same team.
If that treatment continues, I'll keep my distance.
This is not domination.
This is a choice.
3. Even if you set a boundary, you won't be attacked
People with whom you can have a conversation will not suddenly attack you when you set a boundary.
Of course, the other person may be surprised, argue, or feel troubled.
But at a minimum, they will:
Try to understand what you are saying
Express their own opinion
Not completely deny your "no"
Try to separate facts and emotions
Look for a solution or a compromise
Without this attitude, it is difficult to have a conversation.
The problem of staying silent with "it's hopeless"
On the other hand, not saying anything from the beginning is also dangerous.
It's pointless to say anything
You don't have the right to change the other person
If you don't like it, just leave
It's just my limited capacity
If I just endure, everything will be fine
If you keep thinking like this, your boundaries will disappear.
In particular, people who tend to avoid conflict or who have been hurt in past conversations often feel that "asking the other person for something" is a bad thing.
However, asking for something is different from controlling the other person.
If you keep enduring without expressing your opinion, the following may happen:
- The other person doesn't realize the problem
- You are the only one who accumulates dissatisfaction
- One day, you suddenly reach your limit
- The other person may seem to suddenly leave you
- The chance to fix the relationship disappears
Therefore, if you want to continue the relationship, it is better not to give up from the beginning, but to express your feelings once.
However, after you have expressed your feelings, you need to see how the other person reacts.
This is the two-step model.
The danger of "conversation is always effective"
On the other hand, the belief that everything can be solved through conversation is also dangerous.
A conversation only works when the other person is willing to listen.
If the other person:
- Distorts your words
- Only takes what is convenient for them
- Blames you for setting a boundary
- Uses guilt to control you
- Yells
- Ignores you
- Changes the subject
- Takes the victim position
- Disregards your "no"
then it is not a conversation.
It is just that you are being drawn into the other person's control structure.
In this situation, adding more explanations often does not lead to a solution.
Because sometimes, the other person is not unable to understand, but simply does not want to understand.
Printing more instruction manuals for an incomprehending monkey is just feeding paper.
Usable Templates
Light Boundary
I feel a bit uncomfortable when that happens.
If you could just check with me first, that would be helpful.
When plans are added without permission
My schedule is something I want to decide.
Please confirm before adding anything.
I might not be able to attend if it's added without permission.
When interrupted during work
I'm not saying I don't want to talk.
But during work, it breaks my concentration, so I'd prefer to talk later or come close and talk.
When yelled at
I can't talk when I'm being yelled at.
If you can calm down, I can continue.
If you keep yelling, I'll step away for a while.
When manipulated
What I'm saying isn't about blaming you.
I'm telling you that I'll find it difficult to continue the relationship if this treatment continues.
Final line
I can't continue this treatment.
If you don't want to change, I'll keep my distance.
Signs to Keep Your Distance
If the following responses continue after being assertive, it's a sign to keep your distance.
- Repeats the same thing even after being told multiple times
- Always twists what you say
- Becomes upset when you set a boundary
- Doesn't respect your "no"
- Always shifts the blame to you
- Tries to control you
- Tries to move you with guilt
- Yells, intimidates, or ignores you
- Apologizes but doesn't change behavior
- You get tired every time you try to have a conversation
In this case, it's not due to a lack of explanation.
You should consider the possibility that the other person doesn't intend to respect your boundaries.
If you try too hard here, you'll end up paying off your own cognitive debt for the other person.
Infinite Lower Boundary: Visible, but Not Entered Without Permission
A boundary is not a wall.
It's not total rejection.
It's not complete isolation.
It's not labeling the other person as an enemy.
The ideal is an infinite lower boundary.
You can see the other person's presence.
You can recognize their emotions.
You can understand their situation.
But you won't let them enter your inner self, time, wallet, life, nerves, or dignity without permission.
There is an approval process to enter.
If the other person respects your boundary, you can get closer.
If the other person crosses the boundary, you can keep your distance.
That's fine.
Conclusion: Make your claims. But don't continue to negotiate with those who don't understand
Not having self-assertion is not a virtue.
If you have something unpleasant, it's okay to say so.
If you are in trouble, it's okay to express it.
It's okay to ask for what you want.
That is not control.
However, the other person also has the right to refuse.
And we also have the right to keep our distance.
The important thing is to look at it in two steps.
- First, communicate assertively
- See if the other person respects the boundary
If they respect it, have a discussion.
If they twist it, it's domination.
If they blame you back, it's a boundary test.
If they step on it repeatedly, keep your distance.
There's no need to continue the discussion with someone who can't understand.
Make your claims.
But don't endlessly increase explanations.
Use words with those who understand.
Use distance with those who don't.
This is the assertive two-step model.
