Keeping Your Distance From People Who Can't Apologize, Cling to Their Hardships, or Won't Listen
Talking with a very proud person can leave you strangely worn out.
You weren't trying to put them down. You just offered an easier way to do something. You just wanted to keep the same mistake from happening again. You just said, "This is causing a problem for me, so could we change it?"
And yet the conversation suddenly veers off somewhere else.
"Any normal person would do it this way." "It was much harder back in my day." "You do that too, you know." "You don't have to put it like that." "I've been working hard this whole time." "So you're saying it's all my fault?"
Once that happens, you're no longer solving anything.
What you were talking about was how to do a task, how to split the housework, how to keep in touch, or how to handle things from now on. But somewhere along the way, in their head, it turned into this:
"I'm being rejected." "All the hardship I've been through is being thrown away." "They're about to take away the fact that I'm right."
In this article, instead of just writing these people off as a pain, we'll break down what's actually going on. Then we'll sort out how to deal with them, and where it's better to step back and keep your distance.
Technical terms make things harder to follow, so I'll start with everyday words. The names researchers use come at the end as a side note.
1. There's Healthy Pride and Unhealthy Pride
First, the important part: pride itself isn't a bad thing.
There is healthy pride.
For example:
"I've worked hard." "This is my job." "I have value." "I'm not someone who deserves to be treated carelessly." "Even if I make a mistake, my worth as a person doesn't disappear."
You need this kind of feeling.
Without it, people can walk all over you. "That's just how it's done." "That's what family does." "It's work, so put up with it." "You're a father, so take it." "A real man earns money." When someone says things like that, you can't protect your own life.
Healthy pride is the backbone that protects your life.
The problem is unhealthy pride.
It shows up like this:
"I don't want to change how I do things." "I don't want to admit I was wrong." "I don't want anyone telling me the hardship I went through was pointless." "If I apologize, it feels like I lost." "When someone makes a suggestion, it feels like they're saying I'm no good."
In this state, a suggestion for improvement never arrives as a suggestion for improvement.
Say someone just proposes buying a dishwasher. The proud person hears:
"So all those years I washed dishes by hand were a waste?" "So you're saying my way is outdated?" "So you're trying to take the easy way out?"
In truth, a dishwasher is just a tool. It's a tool for lightening the load of washing dishes.
But when unhealthy pride is strong, the conversation stops being about a tool. It becomes about defending their own worth.
2. People Who Can't Apologize Think Apologizing Means Losing
People who can apologize are strong.
"Oh, sorry. I got that wrong. I'll do it this way from now on."
Often that's all it takes to end it. The relationship doesn't get damaged as easily. And it's easier to agree on how to handle things going forward.
But people who can't apologize can't stop at that point.
If they apologize, they feel like they've lost. If they apologize, they feel like they'll be looked down on. If they apologize, they feel like everything they've been right about so far will fall apart. If they apologize, they feel like the other person will take control.
So they don't apologize.
Instead, they shift the topic.
"But you're at fault too, aren't you?" "Any normal person would do it this way." "It was much harder back in my day." "Think about my position too." "It hurts when you talk to me like that."
Of course, they may have their own circumstances. But if every conversation gets pulled off course like this, the problem never gets solved.
Apologizing isn't losing. Apologizing is a correction.
"I got this part wrong." "I'll change it from now on." "I caused you trouble." "Here's what I'll do from now on."
People who can make this kind of short correction keep their relationships going more easily. People who can't wear everyone out, not with the mistake itself, but with how they react after it.
3. People Who Went Through Hardship Sometimes Pass It On to the Next Person
People who have been through hardship split into two kinds.
One kind turns their own hardship into wisdom that makes things easier for the next person.
"It was tough back then." "So let's make sure people today don't have to go through the same thing." "Let's automate this part." "Let's turn this part into a system." "Let's split this part up."
These people are strong.
Truly strong people can convert their own hardship into wisdom that eases other people's lives.
The other kind tries to hand their hardship on to the next person.
"I worked overtime too." "It was much harder back in my day." "Doing it by hand is the normal way." "Don't take the easy way out." "I put up with it, so you can put up with it too."
This is hardship handed down like an inheritance.
A hard past should become wisdom. But when it gets stuck to unhealthy pride, it turns into a curse.
"My hardship meant something." "So a suggestion that gets rid of that hardship rejects my whole life."
Once they feel that way, people resist anything that saves effort. They oppose the dishwasher. They oppose the clothes dryer. They oppose the robot vacuum. They oppose RPA (software that automates routine office tasks) and AI.
But they may not be protecting their daily life at all. They may just be protecting the idea that the hardship they went through was right.
4. Is "Doing It by Hand Is More Proper" Really True?
You see this at home and at work.
"Just do it by hand." "Relying on machines is cutting corners." "It's not good to take the easy way." "Everyone used to do it by hand."
But if you think about it for a moment, it's strange.
You use a washing machine. You use a vacuum cleaner. You use a rice cooker. You use a microwave. You use a copy machine. You use a smartphone.
And yet sometimes only the dishwasher, the dryer, and the robot vacuum get called "cutting corners."
If doing things by hand were truly the right way, you'd scrub your laundry on a washboard. You'd sweep with a broom. You'd cook rice on a traditional wood-fired stove. You'd copy everything out by hand.
But nobody does that.
So the real standard isn't
"doing it by hand is right."
In many cases, the standard is this:
"Tools I'm used to are normal." "Tools I'm not used to are cutting corners." "Tools that replace my hardship just feel wrong somehow."
That's it.
When unhealthy pride gets mixed in, things get difficult.
"I've always done it by hand." "So if a machine replaces it, it feels like my whole past is being rejected."
That's how they end up thinking.
I understand the feeling. But if you stop there, life at home never gets any easier.
What matters isn't protecting the hardship. It's making life easier.
5. With Proud People, Talk About "Parts," Not the Person
If you say things like this to a proud person right off the bat, it tends to blow up.
"You're wrong." "There's something off about how you think." "You're too proud." "You're someone who can't apologize."
To them, it sounds like you're attacking everything about them.
So when you talk, talk about parts, not the person.
"I'd like to change this one part of the task." "I just want to sort out how we pass along messages." "The point this time isn't who's at fault, it's how we prevent it from now on." "I'd like to split up just this one chore." "I just want to decide this one rule."
Put this way, the conversation gets through a little more easily.
You fix the process, not the person. You change how things are run, not blame their character.
This matters a lot, both at work and at home.
Instead of "It's your fault," say "With this flow, someone ends up exhausted."
Instead of "You can't do it," say "This way of dividing up the duties is confusing."
Instead of "You can't apologize," say "From now on, it would really help if you'd just tell me as soon as you notice."
That's how you put it.
Of course, some people still won't get it. But start by separating the person from the task. That's where it begins.
6. Make "Apologizing" Smaller
For people who can't apologize, an apology may have grown into a huge event.
Saying "I'm sorry" looks to them like losing.
So make the apology smaller.
For example, you can say things like:
"Let's go with that from now on, please." "Then let's just fix this one part this time." "Rather than who's at fault, I'd like to decide the next steps." "It's fine as long as you let me know once you find out."
Don't demand a deep bow of shame. Don't turn it into a defeat of their character.
That said, this doesn't mean going easy on them.
What matters is not the form of the apology but that things actually get corrected.
If they never say "sorry" but fix it from then on, that's still acceptable. But if they don't apologize, don't fix anything, and on top of that throw the blame back at you, that's quite dangerous.
If there's improvement even without an apology, the relationship can sometimes continue. If there's neither an apology nor improvement, it's better to see that person as someone with no intention of changing.
7. Turn "It Was Harder Back Then" Into Words That Make Life Easier for People Now
A proud person may bring up the hardships of the past.
"When I was your age, I worked even more overtime." "This much was just normal back then." "People these days are soft."
If you answer head-on with
"That's outdated." "That's pointless." "Things are different now."
they'll get defensive.
If you want to get through, a better direction is this:
"It's impressive that you kept things running through all that." "That's exactly why I think you can tell where things tend to get stuck." "Rather than repeating the same hardship, I'd like to turn that part into a system." "I'd like to take your experience and turn it into something people today can run more easily."
This is a way of speaking that doesn't reject their past.
You turn past hardship into present improvement.
If it works, their pride shifts from
"the me who went through hardship back then"
to
"the me who has the wisdom to make things easier for the next person."
People who can make this shift are still people you can talk to.
People who can't go back to
"I went through hardship, so you go through it too."
In that case, what you need is distance and a system, not persuasion.
8. Don't Become a Caregiver for Their Pride
It matters to be considerate of proud people.
But if you're too considerate, you wear yourself out.
You soften your words so you don't hurt their pride. You praise them first so they won't get defensive. You explain again and again so they won't feel blamed. You put up with things so they won't get angry.
If you do this every single time, you'll break down.
In a relationship between adults, the other person is supposed to handle their own pride, too.
"When someone makes a suggestion, I feel like I'm being rejected." "I'm scared when someone points out my mistakes." "I feel like my past hardship is being denied."
It's fine to have feelings like these.
But making you deal with all of it isn't okay.
If they can say things like
"Maybe this is my own fear." "Maybe I'm being a bit defensive right now." "I came on too strong. Sorry."
then you can talk.
If they can't, and they blame everything on you, it gets really hard.
When you're dealing with a proud person, this is what to look at:
Can they see their own defensive reactions, even a little?
If they can, there's room to talk. If they can't, you end up as the person who soothes their defensiveness forever.
That's exhausting.
9. Rather Than "Changing Them," "Don't Get Dragged In"
It's hard to change a proud person.
That's because, inside them, changing itself is the scary thing.
Changing how they do things. Apologizing. Handing something over to someone else. Using a machine. Accepting how younger people do things.
All of these can look to them like this:
"My value goes down." "Everything I've done until now gets rejected." "I lose."
So no matter how correctly you explain, it sometimes won't get through.
In that case, what matters isn't changing them.
It's not getting dragged in yourself.
"That's as far as this discussion goes." "That's as far as this duty goes." "This isn't my responsibility." "If I'm going to be blamed like this, I can't keep talking." "I'd like to get back to talking about how we run things, not about character."
This is how you put up a fence where you'd otherwise get worn down.
A fence isn't a wall to attack the other person.
It's a line that says, "If you come past here, I get ground down."
If they can stop at that line, the relationship can go on. If they try to tear that line down, you need distance.
10. A Checklist for Dealing With Proud People
When a proud person is giving you trouble, go through these in order.
1. Are you talking about the task, the flow, and who's responsible, not the person's character?
Instead of "It's your fault," say "This flow is causing me trouble."
2. Have you made the part you want fixed small enough?
If you try to change everything, it blows up. Start with just one thing.
3. Have you acknowledged their past hardship at least once?
Acknowledging it and continuing it today are two different things. "It was necessary back then. But let's change it now" is enough.
4. Have you decided on the next steps instead of an apology?
If you insist too hard on making them apologize, they may get defensive. What really matters is that things change from now on.
5. Can they see their own defensive reaction, even a little?
Someone who can say, "Maybe I was being a bit stubborn" is someone you can talk to. Someone who can't say it at all is hard to deal with.
6. Are you doing too much caregiving for their pride?
If you keep softening your words, getting ahead of problems, and soothing them every time, that's dangerous.
7. If it still doesn't work, can you keep your distance?
If you put someone who won't listen at the center of your life, you get ground down. Be especially careful in relationships that are hard to leave, like family, marriage, or a direct boss.
11. Mendoi-chan's Defense Technique: Don't Blame the Pride, Spot the Dark Magic
Put in Mendoi-chan's terms, unhealthy pride easily turns into dark magic.
"I went through hardship, so you go through it too." "I did it by hand, so don't rely on machines." "I can't apologize, so I'll make you the one at fault." "To protect my own rightness, I'll shift the point of the argument."
This is magic that leaves people unable to move.
But healthy pride becomes a defense technique.
"I have value." "But I can fix things." "Making a mistake isn't the end." "The me who went through hardship deserves respect. But from now on, it's okay to make things easier."
People who have this can improve. They can apologize. They can hand things off. They can use tools. They can make life easier for the next person.
Here is Mendoi-chan's magic:
Don't pass hardship down. Turn hardship into wisdom. Fix the system without blaming the person. But put up a fence where you'd get worn down.
That's all it takes.
12. Summary: Truly Strong People Can Apologize, Fix Things, and Make Life Easier
When a proud person is giving you trouble, pride itself isn't the problem.
The problem is pride working in a bad direction.
Pride that protects your own worth is necessary. But pride that drags everyone else in to protect your mistakes, your outdated ways, your past hardship, or the rightness of your role is exhausting.
Truly strong people can apologize. Truly strong people can fix things. Truly strong people can hand things off. Truly strong people can use tools. Truly strong people can turn their own hardship into wisdom that makes life easier for others.
On the other hand, people who can't apologize, can't fix things, shift the point of the argument, throw blame back at you, and make the next person carry the same hardship are really hard to deal with.
With people like that, start by talking about the process, not the person. Split duties into small pieces. Decide the next steps. Acknowledge their past at least once.
If that still doesn't work, don't try too hard to change them.
Put a fence in the place where you won't be worn down.
That isn't coldness. It's a very practical way to protect yourself.
