When I look at married couples, I sometimes think:
“How did you two manage to coordinate all of this?”
You happen to meet at school.
You happen to meet at work.
A friend happens to introduce you.
You happen to sit next to each other at a singles mixer.
You happen to match on an app.
You happen to click in conversation.
You happen to fall in love.
Then you get married.
When you think about it calmly, that is pretty remarkable.
Just falling in love with someone is already remarkable.
Marriage raises the difficulty level even further.
That is because marriage is not only about being with someone you love.
It is about jointly managing money, freedom, relatives, housework, physical affection, boundaries, anxiety, and future plans every day.
The probability that two people who happened to meet will line up perfectly on all of that is probably quite low.
That is why most couples do not stay together because they are a “perfect match.”
More likely, the relationship works because:
- Their differences stay within a tolerable range
- The cost of adjustment is not concentrated too heavily on one person
- They can recover after conflict
- They can speak up before one person gets worn down too far
- They agree on the foundations of daily life
- Even when they disagree, they have a system for running life together
That is probably where many marriages become sustainable.
“One in Three Marriages Ends in Divorce” Is a Misleading Shortcut
People often say that “one in three marriages ends in divorce.”
In Japan in 2024, there were about 485,000 marriages and about 186,000 divorces.
If you simply divide the number of divorces by the number of marriages, you get roughly 38%.
But that does not mean “38% of the couples who got married that year will divorce.”
The divorces recorded that year include couples who got married many years earlier.
So it is not accurate to say, “One in three people who marry this year will get divorced.”
Still, the numbers do tell us something.
Marriage is a difficult form of joint operation.
Many people marry.
A significant number also divorce.
And even among couples who do not divorce, some relationships continue while one partner is being worn down.
Other couples manage to coordinate well.
In other words, marriage is not something that automatically works just because two people love each other.
It Is More Remarkable When a Chance Meeting Also Works as a Shared Life
Romantic relationships often begin by chance.
School.
Work.
A friend’s introduction.
A hobby group.
An app.
A singles mixer.
Someone who happened to be sitting next to you.
Then conversation clicks.
You like their appearance or vibe.
You enjoy being together.
Physical affection feels satisfying.
You build memories.
All of that is perfectly natural in a romantic relationship.
But marriage comes after that.
In marriage, you have to manage things like these together:
- Household finances
- Investments
- Debt
- Attitudes toward work
- Housework
- How to spend days off
- Time alone
- Distance from relatives
- Weddings and family events
- Whether to have children
- Boundaries around physical affection
- How to say that something hurt or felt wrong
- How to respond when one person feels anxious
- Long-term life planning
The probability that two people who met by chance will match on every one of these is quite low.
So what really matters in married life is not “perfect agreement.”
How do you adjust when you differ? Is the adjustment cost disproportionately carried by one person? When you drift apart, can you repair things without destroying the relationship?
That is the real issue.
Not Every Marriage Wears Someone Down, but Some Work Only Because One Person Is Being Worn Down
When I look at some married couples, I sometimes wonder:
“Is one of them being worn down to keep this going?”
I do not think that impression is entirely wrong.
There are relationships where one person keeps enduring things, one person becomes increasingly unstable, or one person carries most of the explanation work and emotional processing.
But it would also be wrong to say that every married couple works that way.
There are many different kinds of marriages:
- Couples where one person is being worn down badly
- Couples where both people make small adjustments
- Couples whose basic lifestyles and values already fit quite well
- Couples who look happy from the outside but are strained inside
- Couples who look ordinary from the outside and are actually managing things in a healthy way
- Couples who argue regularly but recover well
There are many patterns.
A more accurate way to put it is this:
The probability that two people who meet by chance will match perfectly is low.
But they can stay together without perfect agreement if the adjustment cost is not one-sided.
If the adjustment cost becomes one-sided, the marriage turns into a hole-riddled wedding hall.
Seeing Someone Being Worn Down at Home Can Change Your View of Marriage
This is not just an abstract argument.
Sometimes you see someone in a household carrying extreme stress.
For example, one person is constantly irritated.
Their tone becomes harsh.
They lash out at objects.
Their emotions explode.
The other person absorbs it, stays quiet, or avoids them.
The whole household feels tense.
There is no need to diagnose anyone.
There is no need to decide that “it must be menopause.”
There is no need to reduce everything to someone’s personality.
But it can be very painful to watch.
“Is marriage something where one person gradually gets worn down like this?”
“Is a family a place where one person has to keep absorbing another person’s stress?”
“If these two chose each other because they loved each other, why does married life look so painful?”
Those are the scenes you end up seeing.
Especially if you grow up watching a father who seems to be worn down, a mother who seems close to her limit, or a household atmosphere that is constantly tense, you may become very cautious about marriage.
That does not mean you are cold.
It does not mean you do not understand love.
It is because you have already seen how frightening a shared life can become when it survives by wearing one person down.
The Impressive Part Is Not “Being Able to Get Married,” but “Being Able to Adjust Together”
Rather than thinking that married people are impressive simply because they got married, I think what is impressive is this:
Couples who can adjust together are impressive.
Getting married itself is possible.
You can submit the paperwork.
You can hold a ceremony.
You can move in together.
What comes afterward is harder.
Every day, you spend money.
Every day, you spend time.
Every day, you encounter your partner’s moods.
Every day, there are chores and practical decisions.
Every day, you balance your own freedom against your partner’s sense of security.
If that turns into:
“I’m the only one making sacrifices.”
“My partner is the only one carrying the anxiety.”
“Only one of us has to keep explaining everything.”
“Only one of us handles the relatives.”
“Only one of us does the emotional processing.”
then someone gets worn down.
Adjustment does not mean simply giving in to your partner.
It means designing a form of life that both people can actually live in.
What Is a “Hole-Riddled Wedding Hall”?
I think of this condition as a “hole-riddled wedding hall.”
From the outside, it looks beautiful.
A wedding.
The family’s blessing.
Ordinary happiness.
A secure future.
A shared home.
Two people supporting each other.
But once you step inside, there are holes in the floor.
A hole around money.
A hole around boundaries with relatives.
A hole around free time.
A hole around physical affection and personal boundaries.
A hole around how to say that something felt wrong.
A hole around how anxiety is handled.
A hole around invisible labor.
A hole around responsibility sharing.
Then one person is expected to fill those holes with their wallet, nerves, freedom, patience, ability to improve things, and endless explanations.
At first, it may feel as though love can fill all of them.
But when this continues every day, someone gets worn down.
If you can see these holes before marriage, stopping is not running away.
It can be a very realistic decision.
The Difference Between a Marriage That Wears Someone Down and a Marriage That Can Adjust
What separates a marriage that wears someone down from one that can adjust?
A Marriage That Wears Someone Down
- Only one person keeps enduring things
- Only one person keeps explaining
- Only one person absorbs the other’s anxiety
- Only one person stands between the marriage and the relatives
- Only one person gives up freedom
- Whenever a problem appears, the same person fills the hole
- Even after rules are created, trust and anxiety do not recover
- Adjustment turns from “love” into “operational support work”
The longer this continues, the sadder the relationship becomes.
A Marriage That Can Adjust
- Both people can say what they dislike
- The person who hears it can make corrections
- Neither person dumps all of their anxiety onto the other
- They can talk about money
- They can decide together how much distance to keep from relatives
- They can respect each other’s alone time
- They can turn mistakes into better rules for next time
- One person is not continuously worn down
- Even when problems occur, they can repair the relationship
In that kind of marriage, perfect agreement is unnecessary.
Marriage does not require perfect compatibility.
What matters is whether, when you differ, you can create a way of living that does not wear down only one person.
That is the important part.
If You Leave It to Chance, the Odds Are Low. That Is Why You Need a Personal Specification Sheet
The probability that someone you happened to meet will also be a good match for jointly running a marriage is low.
So if you leave everything to chance, it becomes difficult.
What you need is a personal specification sheet.
For example, the things I should probably check next time are:
- Does not want children, or at least does not want to rush
- Values physical affection and warmth
- Respects alone time
- Does not instantly reject investments or new challenges
- Can maintain boundaries with relatives
- Can say NO in the moment
- Can later say that something felt wrong as a request for adjustment, not as a scorecard
- Can talk about money
- Makes reassurance feel like teamwork rather than an inspection checkpoint
- Does not try to keep the relationship running through only one person’s sacrifice
Few people will satisfy every condition perfectly from the start.
But you do need to see early whether the basic direction is compatible.
The pool gets smaller.
That is not necessarily a bad thing.
It may simply mean that your filter is working and keeping you out of a hole-riddled wedding hall.
You Do Not Have to Copy Your Parents’ Marriage
If you have seen someone being worn down in your family, it is natural to become cautious about marriage.
But you do not have to copy that family model into your own future.
Your parents’ generation married under different social conditions.
Gender roles were different.
Ideas about family were different.
The barrier to divorce was different.
The amount of endurance expected from men and women was different.
So you do not have to look at what happened in your parents’ household and conclude:
“This is what marriage always becomes.”
You can, however, use it as learning material.
- Avoid structures where only one person gets worn down
- Avoid relationships where emotional explosions become normal
- Do not let stress accumulate at home until someone starts hitting objects
- Do not design a relationship where one person must endlessly absorb the other’s anxiety or anger
- Do not ignore holes involving relatives or money
- Check the joint operating system before marriage
This is not about condemning your parents’ marriage.
It is about avoiding the same holes in your own life.
Not Getting Married Has Also Become a Very Normal Path
More people remain unmarried than in the past.
Being unmarried at 29 is statistically not unusual at all.
There are unmarried communities.
There are married communities.
Life simply branches into different routes, and neither route is absolutely correct.
So instead of thinking:
“I have to hurry and find someone I can marry,”
it is fine to think:
I can be happy on my own.
If there are two of us, I will only let someone in who adds warmth without destroying my freedom or my willingness to take on challenges.
Marriage is not an obligation.
Romance is not an obligation.
But if you meet someone who fits, that can make life better.
That level of seriousness is enough.
Summary: Marriage Is Not Just a Chance Romance; It Is Also an Evaluation of Whether You Can Run a Life Together
Two people who meet by chance can absolutely be compatible romantically.
You enjoy being together.
Physical affection feels good.
You build memories.
You feel that you want to stay together forever.
That is real.
But marriage comes after that.
In marriage, you jointly manage money, freedom, relatives, boundaries, anxiety, housework, and future planning every day.
If those things do not fit, love alone can still leave someone worn down.
You do not need perfect agreement.
But if every mismatch wears down only one person, that is dangerous.
If the adjustment cost is one-sided, that is dangerous.
If someone in the household reaches their limit while another person keeps absorbing the impact, that is dangerous.
The probability that two people who meet by chance will match on all of this without thinking about it is low.
That is why you need a personal specification sheet.
You need a joint-operation test.
You need to look at money, freedom, relatives, and boundaries early.
Married couples do not stay together because they agree on everything.
They probably stay together because they can adjust when they do not.
And if you can already see a structure that cannot be adjusted, stopping is not running away.
It is a realistic decision to avoid entering a hole-riddled wedding hall.
