Months Passing Doesn't Automatically Make You Objective
4 or 5 months after something happens, the emotions usually settle down.
But this doesn't mean:
Time has passed
= I can see it objectively now
= I've learned from it
Even after a long time, if you wrap it up with
I was young back then, you know
It was all the other person's fault
We just weren't compatible
It all worked out in the end
then you haven't actually analyzed the cause.
"I was young back then" works fine as a headline.
But if that one line is how you process the whole thing, you're being sloppy.
You Can Reflect on the Same Day, If You Can Separate the Pieces
What a good reflection needs isn't a number of days.
It's whether you can pull these things apart:
- What actually happened (the facts)
- How you felt
- What you did
- What the other person did
- Problems with the environment
- How you and the environment fit together (or clashed)
- What you'll change next time
- What you'll avoid next time
If you can do that, a reflection on the same day or 3 days later can be very useful.
Still, some things you can't know yet on the day itself:
- Whether things really got better
- Whether it was only a temporary problem
- What it ended up leading to
- Whether you'll judge it the same way a few months from now
You can add those later.
Analyze it on the day
→ Update it once the results come in
That's plenty.
Look at "You" and "the Environment," but Also How the Two Fit Together
It helps to split a reflection into 3 parts.
1. Your Part
The things you can change yourself.
- How you act when you're irritated
- How quickly you start keeping notes
- When you ask for help
- Stepping back before things become unbearable
- Not putting rest off
2. The Environment's Part
The things you can't fix on your own.
- Harassment
- Instructions that arrive after the fact, changing what was asked
- Being short-staffed
- Blame being pushed onto others
- Unclear roles
- Unclear priorities
- An organization that doesn't improve even when you raise problems
3. How You and the Environment Fit Together
The part where you can't say it's only one side's fault.
For example:
- You do well when the goal and the decision-maker are clear
- You wear down when vagueness and after-the-fact changes keep piling up
- You do well when the work can be organized into a structure
- Things get rough when you're made to clean up other people's mess without any authority
This isn't simply
I'm weak
It's more like
In that environment, my strengths get turned into exhaustion
If You Don't Separate Them, the Same Thing Happens Again
If you blame everything on yourself, you end up with
I'll just endure more next time
I'll fix my attitude
If I grow, I'll be fine
But if you choose the same kind of environment, you'll burn out again.
If you blame everything on the environment, you end up with
There's nothing I can change
and then you'll be slow to react next time too.
What you need is to decide on all of these:
What You'll Change
- Start keeping records early
- Ask for help before your attitude gets rough
- Don't ignore the signals your body sends
- Don't carry a shared problem alone
What to Avoid When Choosing an Environment
- Changes dropped on you after the fact
- Pressure
- Unclear roles
- Blame shifting
- Being used as a catch-all fixer with no authority
Your Exit Criteria
- Talking it out doesn't improve things
- The same problem keeps coming back
- Physical symptoms continue
- You're the only one making adjustments
- The channels for asking for help don't work
"I Learned Something" and "I Needed That Experience" Are Different Things
You can come away from a painful experience having learned something.
But that doesn't mean
I learned something
→ That pain was necessary
→ If I put up with it next time, I'll grow
The accurate version is
The environment was bad
I was actually hurt
Even so, I took the lesson with me
Next time I'll avoid the same damage
What you learned is your own achievement.
It isn't a credit to the environment that caused you pain.
Use Both the Record From Back Then and Your View Today
The most accurate reflection combines two things.
The Record From Back Then
- What happened
- How painful it was
- What you were told
- How you were behaving
Your View Today
- What the whole thing amounted to
- What the structural problems were
- What you learned
- What you'll do next
The you of that day holds the truth about the pain.
The you of today holds the meaning of the whole stretch of time.
Neither one is enough alone.
Summary
What makes a reflection useful isn't time itself.
It's this:
The ability to separate the facts, yourself, the other person, the environment, how you and the environment fit together, and the outcome
Time can help by calming your emotions and by showing you how things turned out.
But it won't make you objective on its own.
