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daily-shared-values-and-marriage-mismatch.md
It's Not Enough to Want to Be Together Forever: How Does Love Erode When Daily Shared Management Differs?
In love, there are times when you think:
"This person, I want to be with them."
"It's fun."
"I feel safe."
"We have many memories."
"I have feelings for them."
"If only we could be together forever."
I think these feelings are real.
Just because you break up doesn't mean the fun times were fake.
The fact that you liked them, felt fulfilled, and created memories, is real.
But sometimes, even with these feelings, you can't move forward with marriage.
The reason isn't because you didn't like them.
It's not because there were no memories.
It's not because you had no desire to be together.
More realistically,
the daily shared management didn't match.
Love is about being able to spend fun times together.
Marriage is about being able to manage daily life systems together.
That's the difference.
Marriage Is Not Just an Extension of "Wanting to Be Together Forever"
Thinking that you want to be together forever is important.
But marriage doesn't work just based on that feeling.
In marriage, you have to manage various things together every day.
- Money
- Household finances
- Investments
- Expenses
- Work style
- Housework
- Days off
- Personal time
- Physical contact
- Boundaries
- Distance from family
- Weddings and family events
- Where to live
- Future planning
- How to think about children
- How to express what you dislike
- How to handle when you feel anxious
These are all "shared management" separate from romantic feelings.
Even if you like someone, if these don't match, they will erode every day.
In other words, there are relationships that are good for love but difficult for marriage.
The discrepancies that were hidden in love become apparent every day in marriage
When just dating, discrepancies may not be so obvious.
Decide on meeting days.
Have dinner.
Travel.
Contact each other.
Have physical affection.
Enjoy events.
Create memories.
Within this range, it can still work even if values differ somewhat.
But when getting married, discrepancies enter daily life.
How to use money.
How to view investments.
How much to comply with family requests.
How to hold the wedding.
How much to confirm with the partner.
When and how to express things that were disliked.
How much to respect personal time.
Whether to see freedom as a source of anxiety or as a cornerstone of life.
These topics become part of daily shared life.
What was an event during dating becomes daily management.
If there is incompatibility here, even if there is a feeling of love, it will gradually fade away.
What is a "Holed Wedding Venue"
This situation is quite similar to a "holed wedding venue."
From the outside, marriage appears neat and clean.
Wedding.
Family blessings.
Normal happiness.
A secure future.
Living together.
Two people supporting each other.
An extension of memories.
It looks like a beautiful wedding venue.
But once inside, there are holes in the floor.
Holes in money.
Holes in family boundaries.
Holes in personal time.
Holes in physical affection and boundaries.
Holes in how to express things that were disliked.
Holes in handling anxiety.
Holes in invisible efforts.
Holes in responsibility distribution.
These holes are filled by one person's wallet, nerves, freedom, tolerance, improvement ability, and accountability.
At first, it seems like love can fill them.
But as it continues every day, it gets worn down.
"Because I like you, it's okay."
"If there is love, everything will be okay."
"If we get married, things will change."
"Normally, this is how it's done."
"Family also hopes so."
"I'm anxious, so I want you to understand."
Even if these words hide the holes, the holes do not disappear.
In fact, they are stepped on every day after marriage.
Why Love Fades Away
The reason why love fades away even though you like each other is because feelings and daily life management are separate.
The feeling of love creates moments of happiness.
The desire to be together becomes the reason to continue the relationship.
Memories remain valuable even after a breakup.
But if daily shared management does not match, it is gradually worn down every day.
For example,
Different Values About Money
For one person, investing and side jobs are strategies to create freedom.
For the other, they are a source of anxiety.
For one person, the cost of a wedding and family requests are things to consider in real-life accounting.
For the other, they are important things to fulfill family wishes.
When there is this difference, every conversation about money becomes anxiety, responsibility, explanation, and persuasion.
Different Values About Freedom
One person highly values personal time and individual challenges.
The other values time spent together and a sense of security.
For one person, personal time is a time for recovery and creativity.
For the other, it appears as a sign of distance and anxiety.
When there is this difference, every time one protects their freedom, feelings of guilt and a sense of responsibility arise.
Different Approaches to Physical Contact and Boundaries
One person wants to try something and adjust if it doesn't work.
The other finds that things they dislike can easily lead to a loss of trust.
One person believes that if something is said at the moment, it can be adjusted.
The other sometimes doesn't speak up at the moment and only realizes they disliked it later.
When there is this difference, one person feels "I can't try" or "I disappear."
The other feels "I disliked it" or "I can't feel safe."
Different Distance from Family
One person wants to prioritize the couple's agreement over family requests.
The other wants to also value the parents' feelings and family expectations.
When there is this difference, external pressure enters into weddings, visiting home, family events, money, and future planning.
One person feels "Why do external requests come in, even though it's just our relationship?"
The other feels "Why don't they understand, even though family is important to me?"
This also gets eroded every day or during events.
When Daily Shared Parts Differ, Sadness Increases
Value differences do not always lead to anger from the beginning.
Rather, they often first appear as sadness.
"Why can't I get through to them even though I like them?"
"Why does it feel painful even though I want to be together?"
"Why do I feel like I'm being eroded every time, even though I don't want to blame them?"
"I feel like I'll disappear if I keep going like this."
"But I'm not really hate them."
This is the situation.
This is painful.
If I could hate them, it would be easier.
If the other person was clearly a bad person, I could just end it.
But in reality, the other person is not a bad person.
I also liked them.
There were fun times.
There were memories.
There was a desire to be together forever.
Yet, the daily shared parts don't match.
That's why it gets eroded.
This is a quite quiet kind of pain.
"Not matching" does not mean not liking
Sometimes "not matching" can sound cold.
But not matching and not liking are different things.
I liked them.
It was fun.
There are memories.
There were moments when they saved me.
There were times when I felt fulfilled through physical contact.
There was a desire to be together.
Even so, it's possible that the joint management of marriage doesn't match.
In fact, it's easier to misjudge because of the affection.
When there is affection, even if there is a hole, you might think:
"I can fill it myself"
"Because I like them, it will be okay"
"Maybe it will change after marriage"
"They don't mean to be bad"
"We've been together this long"
But holes cannot be filled with just love.
Especially things like money, family, boundaries, freedom, and how to deal with things you disliked, will come up many times after marriage.
If these things don't match, it might be better not to proceed even if you like them.
The feeling of wanting to be together and the decision not to marry can coexist
The important thing is that
the feeling of wanting to be together
and
the decision not to marry
can coexist.
This is not a contradiction.
In terms of love, I wanted to be together.
We made memories.
I have no regrets about dating.
That period was important.
But in terms of marriage, it was difficult.
There were differences in the joint management.
It seemed that both of us would be worn down.
I could see a future of an "empty wedding venue."
That's why I didn't proceed.
This is a good way to sort it out.
What happens if you enter an "empty wedding venue"
What happens if you get married without noticing the differences?
Probably, it will seem okay at first.
Honeymoon.
Wedding.
Family's blessings.
New life.
Memories of the two of you.
The atmosphere of "let's try our best from now on."
But the hole remains.
It will be worn down by money.
It will be worn down by family.
It will be worn down by free time.
It will be worn down by physical contact and boundaries.
It will be worn down by things you disliked later.
Usually, it is worn down like this.
It will be worn down by wanting to be understood because of anxiety.
It will be worn down by things that are not conveyed even after explanation.
Eventually,
"I should have liked them, but why am I so tired?"
"Even though I got married, why is my freedom decreasing?"
"I want to make them happy, but I'm the one being worn down."
"They seem to be suffering too, and I'm also suffering."
"But it's too late to go back now"
will happen.
This is an "empty wedding venue."
On the outside, it seems happy.
Inside, there is a hole that gradually gets smaller every day.
Parting is a decision not to ignore the hole
Parting is not necessarily a failure.
In particular, if you see a hole before marriage, it is important information.
"This will be cut if we continue like this" "I don't want to make the other person the villain, but we are not compatible in joint management" "Love alone is not enough to absorb" "The same structure will happen again in the future" "Once married, it will be harder to escape"
If you see this, the decision to part is quite realistic.
This is not abandoning the other person. Nor is it just protecting yourself. It is a decision not to renew the contract before both of you get even deeper hurt.
Love success. Marriage failure. The memories are real. Incompatible joint management.
I think this kind of clarification is quite flat.
What to look at next
If you are thinking about love or marriage next, you need to look not only at "whether you like each other" but also at joint management.
The following points are especially important to look at.
1. Management of money
Investments, side jobs, loans, wedding costs, family requests, living expenses, gift price range. Can you talk about this? Do you not leave the anxiety on one side? Can you talk about it in realistic accounting?
2. Management of free time
Alone time, hobbies, development, side jobs, walking, karaoke, relationships with friends. Can you respect this? Do you not destroy freedom by considering it as a source of anxiety?
3. Management of boundaries
Can you say what you don't like at the moment? Can you express it as adjustment, not as a score, if you feel uncomfortable later? Can you respect the other person's "no"?
4. Distance from family
Do not put the parents' wishes above the mutual agreement? Do not let the other family's anxieties and norms flow into your life?
5. Handling of anxiety
When you feel anxious, do you restrict the other person? Do you sort out the information together? Do you stop the other person's freedom and life plan based on anxiety?
6. Handling of things you dislike later
Can you say "I want it this way next time"? Or do you deduct points and say "I can't trust them since that time"? This is very important.
What is needed before marriage is not just confirming love
What is needed before marriage is not just
"Are you in love?" "Do you want to be together forever?" "Do you want to get married?"
What is really needed is
"How to manage money?" "How to handle free time?" "How far to accept the family's requests?" "How to express when you are uncomfortable?" "When you feel uncomfortable later, can you treat it as adjustment, not as a score?" "If your mutual agreement and the family's wishes conflict, which one do you prioritize?" "Do you not treat alone time or challenges as something that breaks your security?"
This is the kind of conversation.
It is not romantic.
But it is necessary to protect the marriage life.
If you enter the wedding venue just because you are in love, you will notice the hole in the floor later.
Summary: Even if you like someone, daily joint management can erode it
I liked them.
It was fun.
There were memories.
I wanted to be together forever.
But marriage doesn't work just on that.
Marriage means managing money, freedom, relatives, physical contact, boundaries, anxiety, and lifestyle decisions together every day.
If these don't align, the love as a relationship will gradually be eroded.
It can erode even if the other person is not a bad person.
It can erode even if you don't hate the other person.
It can erode even if the memories are real.
That is, a "Holey Wedding Chapel."
The outside looks nice.
Inside, there are holes.
You will continue to fill those holes with love, tolerance, money, freedom, and nerves.
Therefore, if you see the hole before marriage, stopping is not running away.
The feeling of wanting to be together and the decision not to marry can coexist.
The good things from the romantic relationship and the fact that the joint management didn't fit can also coexist.
The important thing is not to deny the memories.
Not to make the other person the villain.
Not to blame yourself entirely.
And not to fall into the same hole again.
Romantic success.
Marriage failure.
I didn't enter the Holey Wedding Chapel.
That might have been a quite realistic and kind decision.
Glossary
Holey Wedding Chapel
The outside appears beautiful with wedding ceremonies, family expectations, and the idea of normal happiness, but in reality, there are holes in money, relatives, freedom, boundaries, and anxiety handling, and the structure is to fill those holes with one person's tolerance, money, or nerves.
Daily Joint Management
The management of money, time, freedom, housework, physical contact, relatives, anxiety, and future planning that is handled together daily after marriage.
Romantic Success, Marriage Failure
A relationship that was enjoyable and valuable in terms of romance, but not compatible in terms of joint management needed for married life.
Love and Joint Management are Separate
The idea that even if you have feelings of love, daily erosion occurs if the lifestyle system is not compatible.
A Relationship That Erodes Later
A relationship where sadness and fatigue gradually increase, not due to a single major incident, but due to small differences in daily values.
Reference Ideas
- In a healthy relationship, trust, respect, and open communication are important
- In marriage or long-term relationships, continuous adjustment is needed not only for emotions but also for lifestyle decisions, money, boundaries, and distance from relatives
- Boundaries and consent are not things that destroy relationships, but rules that allow safe joint management
Reference links:
APA: Happy couples: How to keep your relationship healthy
https://www.apa.org/topics/marriage-relationships/healthy-relationshipsNY.Gov: What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like?
https://www.ny.gov/teen-dating-violence-awareness-and-prevention/what-does-healthy-relationship-lookPlanned Parenthood: How do I talk about consent?
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/relationships/sexual-consent/how-do-i-talk-about-consent
