How to Stop Hiding Behind Walls Without Blaming Yourself
If you watched The Ramparts of Ice and saw yourself in Koyuki Hikawa, you are probably not alone.
You may know the feeling.
You are not exactly trying to be cold.
You do not necessarily hate people.
But when someone gets close, you instinctively build a wall.
Before anything even happens, your mind starts asking questions.
What if they think I am weird?
What if I get close and then get rejected?
What if they laugh at me later?
What if I misunderstand the distance between us?
This is not just a simple “introvert problem.”
At its core, it may be a defense response.
You are not afraid of people themselves.
You are afraid of getting hurt after connecting with them.
But there is one important thing to remember.
Understanding that defense response does not mean staying inside it forever.
Your wall may have a reason.
But from the outside, it can still look cold, distant, scary, or self-absorbed.
So the goal is not to say:
This is just who I am.
The healthier direction is:
I built walls because I was afraid of being hurt.
But I do not have to treat everyone as a threat.
I can learn to read people, set boundaries, and choose the right distance.
This article is for people who watched The Ramparts of Ice, felt seen by Koyuki, and want to do something about it.
1. Why Koyuki Feels So Relatable
Koyuki is not just a cold person.
She is someone who keeps others away because closeness feels risky.
That is why many viewers feel seen by her.
Her inner logic may sound familiar:
- If I speak, they may think I am strange.
- If I get close, rejection will hurt more.
- If I act friendly, they may think I am full of myself.
- It is safer to stay alone.
- If I do not open the door, no one can hurt me.
From the outside, this can look like excessive self-consciousness.
And honestly, sometimes it is.
Most people are not watching you as closely as you think.
They are busy with their own phones, worries, schedules, appearances, and lives.
A classmate or coworker is usually not constantly judging every small thing you do.
But inside your head, it can feel different.
Before you even speak, a courtroom opens in your mind.
If I say something strange, it is over.
If they dislike me, it is over.
If I get rejected, it is over.
If they laugh at me, it is over.
So you build the wall first.
That does not mean you are a bad person.
It means your mind is trying to protect you before anything can hurt you.
2. Your Defense Makes Sense, But Others Can Still Feel the Wall
Your wall has a reason.
But the person standing outside that wall also has feelings.
Inside, you may be thinking:
I just do not want to get hurt.
I just do not want to be misunderstood.
I actually want to connect, but I am scared.
But the other person may receive it as:
Maybe they hate me.
Maybe they do not want me around.
Maybe I did something wrong.
Maybe they are just cold.
That is the difficult part.
A wall may be self-protection, but it is also a message.
If we only say “poor Koyuki,” nothing changes.
If we only say “she is just self-centered,” we ignore the real fear underneath.
Both sides matter.
- Internally, there is a defense response.
- Externally, that response can look cold.
- The answer is not self-blame, but better distance control.
3. “Introvert” and “Extrovert” Labels Can Become Black-and-White Thinking
It is tempting to understand people through labels.
Introvert.
Extrovert.
Popular person.
Quiet person.
Safe person.
Scary person.
But these labels can become traps.
If you think:
- Extroverts are scary.
- Introverts are safe.
- Popular people are judging me.
- Bright people always look down on me.
- I am an introvert, so I cannot connect.
Then you are no longer seeing the person in front of you.
You are fighting the label inside your own head.
A better question is not:
Are they an introvert or an extrovert?
A better question is:
What are they trying to do?
What are they afraid of?
What are they protecting?
Are they actually harming me?
Can I adjust the distance?
Someone who seems outgoing may simply be trying to keep the room comfortable.
They may hate awkward silence.
They may feel responsible for keeping the group moving.
They may look cheerful but worry a lot afterward.
Someone who seems quiet may not automatically be safe either.
They may be scared, defensive, observant, or sometimes unfairly suspicious of others.
So instead of dividing people into “safe” and “dangerous” by appearance, look at motivation, behavior, and actual impact.
4. Other People’s Reactions Are Not Life Sentences
One of the biggest shifts is realizing this:
Other people’s reactions are not final judgments on your worth.
Someone may not like you.
Someone may not respond warmly.
Someone may misunderstand you.
That does not mean your life is over.
You can reduce the weight of other people’s reactions.
Instead of treating every response as a verdict, you can treat it as information.
Oh, that is how they reacted.
Maybe we do not fit.
That is fine.
Next.
This does not mean ignoring bullying, harassment, or real harm.
If someone is actively hurting you, controlling you, or violating your boundaries, that requires distance, records, support, and sometimes serious action.
But most ordinary people are not judges of your life.
They are just people.
They have their own phones, fears, worries, and insecurities.
They are not watching you as intensely as your fear suggests.
5. Not Everyone Is Safe, But Not Everyone Is Dangerous Either
A healthier view of people is neither naive nor paranoid.
Not everyone is good.
Not everyone is dangerous.
In reality:
- Some people are kind.
- Some people are normal.
- Some people are awkward but harmless.
- Some people are too close but not malicious.
- Some people really are unsafe.
- Some people cross boundaries and should be avoided.
So you do not need to trust everyone.
But you also do not need to fear everyone.
The skill is to tell the difference.
If someone gets too close but backs off when you set a boundary, they may be okay.
If someone ignores your discomfort and keeps pushing, that is a warning sign.
You do not need to understand every harmful person deeply.
Sometimes distance is better than analysis.
6. Think in Levels of Distance, Not Love or Hate
Relationships do not have to be all-or-nothing.
You do not have to decide:
I love this person.
I hate this person.
I trust them completely.
I must avoid them forever.
Distance has levels.
Level 1: Casual Contact
You can greet them, talk briefly, and stay polite.
Level 2: Light Friendship
You can talk sometimes without feeling too drained.
Level 3: Real Trust
You can say no, and they respect it.
You can be yourself without feeling constantly judged.
Level 4: Keep Some Distance
They are not necessarily bad, but they drain you or disrupt your pace.
Level 5: Avoid
They violate boundaries, manipulate, bully, or repeatedly harm you.
This makes relationships easier to handle.
You do not have to remove all your walls.
You only need to decide who gets which level of access.
7. What You Can Practice Today
If Koyuki felt painfully familiar, you do not need to change your whole personality.
Start small.
1. Stop judging people only by labels
Instead of “they are an extrovert, so they are scary,” ask what they are actually doing.
2. Do not turn every reaction into a verdict
A reaction is just a reaction.
It is not a final judgment on your value.
3. Practice small boundaries
You can say:
- “I think I will go home alone today.”
- “Maybe another time.”
- “I am okay for now.”
- “I do not really want to talk about that.”
If they respect it, that is a good sign.
If they keep pushing, that is information too.
4. Choose good people
You do not need to be close to everyone.
Be close to people who respect your pace.
5. Avoid unsafe people
If someone repeatedly crosses your boundaries, do not over-analyze them.
Create distance.
8. You Do Not Have to Destroy the Wall. Add a Door.
If you relate to Koyuki, you may think you need to destroy your wall.
But the wall itself is not evil.
It was built to protect you.
It may have helped you survive painful experiences.
So do not destroy it all at once.
Add a door.
Not everyone gets in.
Not everyone deserves access.
But some people can be allowed closer, slowly.
People who respect your no.
People who do not punish you for having limits.
People who make you feel less drained.
People who do not require you to perform constantly.
You can let those people in little by little.
Relationships do not have to be full access or total shutdown.
You can choose distance.
You can choose pace.
You can choose people.
If The Ramparts of Ice made you think “that’s me,” that does not mean you are broken.
It means you noticed your own defense system.
And once you notice it, you can start adjusting it.
You do not have to hate your wall.
But you do not have to live trapped behind it forever.
Summary
If you relate to Koyuki from The Ramparts of Ice, you may be someone who knows the fear of being hurt after connecting with others.
That fear is understandable.
But you do not have to treat every person as a threat.
The healthier path is:
- Do not reduce people to introvert/extrovert labels.
- Look at motivation, behavior, and actual impact.
- Remember that other people’s reactions are not life sentences.
- Choose the right distance.
- Build trust only with people who respect boundaries.
- Avoid people who repeatedly violate them.
- Do not destroy the wall; add a door.
You can protect yourself and still connect with people.
That is the real skill.
参考にした公開情報 / Public Reference Notes
- TVアニメ『氷の城壁』公式サイト：小雪が「人と接するのが苦手で、他人との間に壁を作ってしまう」人物として紹介されている。
- TBSトピックス：アニメ化・放送情報、LINEマンガ累計閲覧数1.6億回、コミックス累計発行部数200万部などの紹介。
- Netflix / Deciderなどの英語圏記事：The Ramparts of Ice が、孤立・防衛反応・人とのつながりを扱う青春群像劇として紹介されている。
