How to Stop Blaming Yourself When Your Family Puts You Down

How to Stop Blaming Yourself When Your Family Puts You Down

What You'll Learn in This Article

• Why criticism from family hurts so much
• The psychology behind why closeness makes it sting more
• How to separate your family's words from your self-worth
• Words to revisit after you've been put down

Why Does Family Criticism Hurt This Much?

Being criticized by family can hurt even more deeply than hearing the same words from a stranger.

"That's not going to work." "You're not cut out for that." "That's a weird way to think." "Normal people don't do that." "Get your act together."

When words like these come from family, even if you know they're just opinions, they can feel like a rejection of who you are as a person.

Family members are some of the closest people in your life. Because you've spent so much time together, you want them to understand you. You want them on your side. You want them to hear you out before jumping to criticism.

That's exactly why it hurts so much when they're the ones putting you down.

On top of that, criticism from family tends to be a recurring thing. At meals, during visits home, on the phone, over text — in the middle of everyday conversation. Because it's a relationship you can't easily walk away from, each comment tends to stick.

Family Words Hit Harder Because They're Close

Words from family can carry more weight than the same words from anyone else.

That's because your family knows your past. They know your personality since childhood, your failures, your vulnerabilities, your uncertainties. So when they criticize you, it can feel like they've seen everything about you and still decided you're not enough.

But that doesn't mean your family truly understands all of who you are.

Family members are close, but closeness can breed assumptions. They might still see you through the lens of who you used to be. Their worry might come out sounding like disapproval. They might be projecting their own values onto you.

Even when their words feel heavy, that doesn't make them the absolute truth.

What They Criticized and Your Worth Are Two Different Things

When family puts you down, the key is to separate "what they said" from "your value as a person."

For example, if they criticize your career choices, that's their opinion shaped by their own values. If they dismiss the way you live, it might just mean they don't understand it. If they shut down your dreams or goals, their words might simply be their own anxiety talking.

Of course, sometimes there's something useful buried in their feedback. But you don't have to take everything they say and turn it into "I'm wrong" or "I'm worthless."

The one thing they criticized is not the sum total of who you are.

How to Keep Family Criticism From Swallowing You Whole

When your family puts you down, try breaking their words apart:

• What they're worried about
• What reflects their own values, not yours
• What might actually be useful feedback
• What simply hurt
• What you might be reading too much into

Sorting things this way keeps you from absorbing everything they said as your own truth.

Also, you don't have to reach a conclusion right away after hearing their words.

"They said no, so I'll quit." "They're against it, so I must be wrong." You don't have to decide that.

Give yourself some distance and time to check in with what you actually think and feel.

Words to Revisit After Being Put Down

When family criticism is weighing on you, try coming back to these reminders:

• The one thing they criticized is not the whole of who you are
• Their words may feel heavy, but that doesn't make them the absolute truth
• Worry and criticism are not the same thing — you can separate them
• Even if your family doesn't understand you, your worth doesn't disappear
• It's okay to think about your own life on your own terms

In Summary: Your Worth Doesn't Disappear Just Because Family Puts You Down

Criticism from family cuts deep. Because they're close to you — because they're the people you most want to be understood by — their words hit hard.

But their words don't get to define your worth. Their values, their worries, their assumptions, their outdated image of you — all of that might be mixed in.

With My Affirmation, you can save the words you want to revisit after family puts you down — words to keep you from being too hard on yourself, words that remind you of your own value. On the days when their words threaten to carry you away, having your own words of support on hand can make it just a little easier to find your footing again.

---