When Your Mother Dismisses the Way You Live

When Your Mother Dismisses the Way You Live

What You'll Learn in This Article

• Why it hurts so much when your mother dismisses the way you live
• The pain of having "normal" forced on you
• How to separate your mother's expectations from your own life
• Reassuring words to come back to

When Your Way of Life Is Dismissed, It Can Feel Like Your Entire Self Is Being Rejected

Having your mother dismiss the way you live can be deeply painful.

"This is what normal people do." "That's no way to live." "Get your act together." "Think about what other people will say." "Are you really okay with a life like that?"

Words like these can make you feel as though not just your choices, but your very existence is being rejected.

The way you live encompasses many things — your career, whether you marry, where you live, how you spend money, your relationships, hobbies, and values.

When your mother dismisses these, it's easy to feel like you're not allowed to live as yourself.

Your Mother's "Normal" May Just Be Her Own Set of Values

Is what your mother calls "normal" truly some absolute standard?

Having a full-time job is normal. Getting married is normal. Buying a house is normal. Keeping up with relatives is normal. Choosing stability is normal. Fitting in with everyone else is normal.

This idea of "normal" is shaped by your mother's own values, her generation, where she grew up, and her personal experiences.

She may genuinely believe she's right. But that doesn't mean her version of life is necessarily right for you.

It's okay for the life that suits you to look different from your mother's idea of normal.

You Don't Have to Let Your Mother's Expectations Decide Your Life

When your mother dismisses the way you live, it can shake your confidence in your own choices.

But at the end of the day, you're the one who has to live your life.

You don't have to completely ignore your mother's expectations. Some of what she says may be worth considering as concern or advice.

However, if you let her values alone dictate your life, it can lead to real suffering down the road.

What matters most to you? What kind of life feels sustainable? How do you want to spend your time? Who do you want in your life? What do you want to avoid?

It's important to sit with these questions and answer them in your own words.

Not Being Understood Is Not the Same as Being Wrong

When your mother doesn't understand you, it's natural to wonder, "Maybe I'm the one who's wrong."

But not being understood and being wrong are not the same thing.

Maybe it's a world your mother has never known. Maybe it's a way of life she's never experienced. Maybe her own anxiety is too strong for her to accept it.

Just because someone doesn't understand your way of life doesn't make it worthless.

Of course, it's important to consider the risks. But the sole reason that your mother doesn't get it is not enough to reject your entire life.

Words to Come Back To

When your mother dismisses the way you live, it helps to revisit words like these:

• It's okay for the life that suits you to look different from your mother's idea of normal
• Not being understood is not the same as being wrong
• You're allowed to think about your life based on your own feelings
• You don't have to let your mother's expectations decide your life
• You don't have to feel guilty for wanting to live as yourself

In Summary: Even If Your Mother Dismisses Your Way of Life, You're Allowed to Think About Your Own Life

When your mother dismisses the way you live, it can feel like your entire self is being rejected. But your mother's "normal" isn't necessarily the right answer for you.

Not being understood is not the same as being wrong. You can take her words into consideration while still thinking about your life on your own terms.

With My Affirmation, you can save words you want to revisit after your mother dismisses the way you live — words that protect your values and help you think about your life for yourself. On the days when your mother's idea of normal feels like it's crushing you, having words that support you can make it just a little easier to reconnect with your own sense of self.

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